Most importantly the research has found that children of different ages need different sorts of help and support to enable them to feel secure after separation.

The following information is adapted from the Australian Psychological Society’s Position Statement and a booklet called Because it’s for the kids, produced by Dr Jennifer McIntosh, 2003.

All children need:

• Protection from parental conflict
• A secure emotional base
• Help to solve their problems
• Firm and reasonable limits to be safely independent
• A trusted parent when they need to be dependent
• Encouragement to learn
• Routines that help them feel in control
• Protection from trauma
• Protection for parental stress over ongoing unresolved issues with ex-partners.

Infants need:

• Parents who are tuned into their needs
• Predictabilitiy
• A lot of time with a parent or parents who nurture them
• Parents who play with them, listen carefully to their efforts to communicate, and keep their world safe.
• Visiting schedules that don’t cause too much change.

Preschoolers need:

• Plenty of time with their parents to know that they’re still there for them
• Reassurance that they will see the absent parent again
• Familiar rituals to help make the transition between parents

Young primary school-aged children need:

• Help to see that they’re not to blame for the separation
• Parents who stay interested and in touch with their school, activities and friends
• Encouragement to talk about their feelings
• Reassurance that the absent parent still loves them
• Clear boundaries to help them manage behaviour that may be a reaction to the separation Help during transitions between parents

Older primary school-aged children need:

• Reminders that it is not their responsibility to look after their parents’ wellbeing
• Routines that are predictable, and consistent rules and expectations
• Parents who can make room for thinking about their children’s needs apart from their own needs
• Permission to love the other parent
• Parents who listen carefully to how they feel about things

Adolescents need:

• Daily stress in their life kept as low as possible
• Parents to be avaialbe on a daily basis to listen and give support
• Predictable routines, and consistent rules and expectations
• Parents who are able to supervise them, and take a real interest in their lives
• Time and space to work out their own reactions to their parents’ separation
• Flexibility in arrangements to allow them to participate in normal adolescent and school events.